Gene's Blog

2 Samuel 18:33

I’ve not written anything in a very long time.  I keep telling myself I will and I keep not doing it.  Perhaps one day I will again.  Maybe when I retire.  Or before.  Or not.  If you have read anything in my earlier posts or on my main site, you know a lot about me.  This is that too, but not.  It is hard to not take all this personally because it is so personal.  But in the last, what will be 19 years on 2/11/16, I have not gone a day without thinking the words King David said in that verse that is the subject. “…If only I had died in your place…” Nor understanding what he felt, feeling what he felt, in the very core of my being.  No parent should ever have to feel that and I’ll go there in a few minutes, but I do, many do.

Today is the 5th anniversary of my oldest son’s death.  Evan Gene Jacobson, the light of my life, my first born child, my best friend.  He had others.  I did/do not.  I hold myself to account for my sons passing, the why is more complicated than I am going to get into here, the how is simpler, they were my only real responsibility and they are both dead.  I said, more than once, in jest, to them both, my job is to get you to 18, after that you are on your own.  Well, I did that, and how I wish I could take those words back, bring them back.  This week I’ve been sick, can’t sleep, just doze, but I keep jolting awake from the same dream every few minutes.  I am alone in a field, fog higher than I am, and completely lost.  The last two days have been the same during the day, I hurt physically, but I cannot focus, my mind just drifts off, unable to focus.  Maybe that is because they were my only real focus in life ever.  I breezed through life until they came into it.  I was reckless, careless and unafraid.  I did what I wanted, when I wanted.  Life was easy.  A piece of cake.  I didn’t care deeply about anything, I appreciated what I had (which was only family, we were dirt poor), I was smart, I played and never got tired.

Then my boys entered my life.  Their mother suffers too.  I know.  But we were never meant to be a two, I guess, I think we only came together for them, but the next thought is WHY?  And I haven’t an answer to that.  Well, that isn’t entirely true, Jenna has answers, it is me that finds those answers unforgivable.  She, truly, is the only reason I am still here.  But still, my thoughts are dark.  I am not pleased with this creation.  I KNOW where we all come from, I have seen it, felt it, in the light experiences, and I cannot understand why any being, having felt THAT, could possibly want THIS.  She says I will understand, I do understand, but wanted to experience creation personally.  And so I have.  I know what love is.  And now I truly know what it is not.  Evan, Brandon, my sons, would that I had died for thee.