Gene's Blog

Hallmark Hall of Fame

Or at least that is where this starts. I should never watch one of those shows. I bet I went through a half box of Kleenex last night watching “The Russell Girl”. Even the flipping commercials made me cry.

I think last night’s movie was too close too home. A girl, who was living in Chicago on her own, who had apparently applied to medical school and been turned and was working as a buyer for some merchant, learned that she had an extremely aggressive form of leukemia. Her primary doctor scheduled her for an oncology appointment in three days. Instead she called her mother and drove all night to her home town. I didn’t get where that was. The blurb said she learned she was sick and went home to tell her parents and to face a tragedy from the past. I had NO idea what was coming.

She got home and as she walked in the house, her parents were ecstatic, they apologized for having intercepted a message meant for her, but it was that her second application to medical school had been accepted and they were thrilled. She didn’t tell them why she was home. In a series of flashbacks, the director established that 6 years earlier, she had been babysitting the three children across the street, two older boys and a little girl in a walker, the boys were fighting and she was trying to separate them and while she was doing that, the little girl went down the basement stairs and died.

The mother in that household, well, a little part of her died too. She withdrew from her own family, sons, husband, activities. The Russell girl, held herself accountable for that little girls death, had been blaming herself for 6 years for not being able to be in two places at the same time. She tried a couple times to talk the mother across the street, she was not received well. She figured the leukemia was karma. She canceled her oncology appointment. She wasn’t horribly sick yet, one day ran a fever of 102 but came back from that. One day she hurt and she went to a drugstore and bought ibuprofen and water and sat at the curb too weak to take them. The woman from across the street saw her and asked if she was okay. She said yes. A day or so later she was sitting at an outdoor cafe, doing some research on her cancer,when her nose started to bleed, again the mother from across the street was passing (VERY small town I guess, or very large coincidence) and saw, and again, rather coldly asked if she was okay. She just said yes.

She didn’t tell anyone, but it was obvious that she was wretchedly ill. I think she planned to let herself die because she felt so guilty about having not been perfect that one tragic night. I know a little about that feeling. They came up with a happy ending for the movie, or at least the possibility of one. Life doesn’t always allow for scripts though. These dark days of winter bring me to that feeling so often. I wonder, if I come down with some dread thing, if I will do anything about it, but know it and let nature takes its course. The guilt I feel for not somehow having been able to read Brandon’s mind and stop him, even after 11 years, is not assuaged.

I’m still here, still seeing the sun come up each day, loving my son and grandchildren, but a lot of the joy in life died almost 11 years ago, or at least the ability to feel it, I certainly can’t sustain it for long. Life should be more than that. I have had this song running through my head since last night. Wherever you Will Go by the Calling. I haven’t heard it in a very long time, but it feels right.

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I’ll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I’ll go wherever you will go
I’ll go wherever you will go

So much of me, despite all there is here, all that is left here to do, just wants to go wherever he has gone and wait for the rest to catch up. I know its a good place. I believe that, I believe everything I’ve written here and on my main site, it is all true, and still, I can’t shake this feeling that I could have, should have, done more. I thought that would pass with time. Complicated bereavement. Yeah, it is that alright. And still two weeks to go, I wonder will ever a year come again that isn’t like this between his birthday on the 7th of January and the anniversary of his death on the 11th of February? I don’t spare myself the inner scourging, maybe next year I’ll learn that part. I should never watch a Hallmark movie, they always seem to begin that slow spiral down again. Life is complicated. Living it even more so. Ah well, I think I feel like hugging Cisco and crying on his shoulders for a bit. He never minds. Dogs are great people. More upbeat next time, promise…