Gene's Blog

I have been remiss

I know. This is not a good time of year for me. Thankfully it is getting better. It used to start before Thanksgiving, this dark night of the soul, but now has receded somewhat and begins really, well, okay it IS still there from Thanksgiving, but thankfully in the background, but with January 7th, Brandon’s birthday, I fall inevitably back into the gray part of life. Time passes swiftly, but grief does not. I saw that in the paper the other day and I thought to myself, but gawd, 11 years, isn’t that enough time for this to have healed? And knew that, no, it wasn’t. It isn’t. It isn’t that I am not grateful for what I have, a loving son and two beautiful bright grandchildren whom I love dearly. I am. But, starting with his birthday, a bible verse begins running through my mind, Absalom, oh Absalom. It just does not leave. Pops into my mind at the most inopportune of times. This will last through February 11th, I have lived it enough times to be sure. It isn’t that I don’t have things to say, i do. It is more that I haven’t the will to say them right now. The world is shrouded in gray and no matter what I do, I cannot lift that fog. I guess it will be this way the rest of my days. May they be numbered, please. That is a joke. Sort of.

I’ve been gifted with a series of books, and jen wants me to read them, I am not sure why. I have talked here before about a tv show on Fox, Bones, which I just love and have since its first episode, which played again two weeks ago and reminded me afresh why I got so caught up in it to begin with. I love the science of it. I love it the way I do Cold Case, for what they do for those whose lives have been taken prematurely. They bring peace to those left behind. They explain the unexplainable. It turns out that Bones is based on a series of novels by a woman named Kathy Reichs. I did not know that. I was given 8 of them and on that same day, I got a discount coupon from Barnes and Noble for any ONE item, which will be the 9th of those books. jen wants me to read these. I don’t know why, but everything else is sort of going on hold while I do. In the first, today, a line caught my eye, it actually sort of slapped me from inside. She, the protagonist, Temperance Brennan, was talking about a serial killer and her reaction to the victims; she said. Empathy to the point of pain. I understand that. I understood it as I read it. I understood it every time I stood in front of the door to Brandon’s bedroom during the years I could not open that door. I have always understood it. Reading has been my first love all of my life, I talk about that some, I think, on the main site, as an escape, but part of that has always been this transposition, I AM wherever it is is I am reading about, I FEEL what they feel. Life in the real world is no different. I understand at the core of my being the phrase, empathy to the point of pain. This song has been in me all day. Can’t shake it either. And that’s okay too. As always, Sarah.

Full of Grace

The winter here’s cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
So it’s better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

But what if one isn’t ready, or able, to swim through the undertow? That is the conundrum I live with. Love what was or love what is, or find a way to do both. So far, it is always one or the other, I flow between them, never knowing which will greet me during any moment of any day. It is an odd way to be. I will tire of it, I think. And I wonder what that will mean, or bring. Life can be such a puzzle.

So. I am, I think, going to write some things before 2/11, I have some things already written, but I will not be here much until past that date. Even if I am. much love, :^) gene