What a month
December 13th, 2007 | by gene |This has been one of the oddest months of my life. A lot happening, yes, and reason for some of what I feel but what I feel changes so much from moment to moment, not just day to day, that it is making me a little more insane than usual. I don’t think a day has passed in weeks that I haven’t had something make me cry like a baby. I’m not a weeper by trade. I do get misty from time to time and there are memories that can bring me to my knees – this season from Thanksgiving through February 11th, has been hard since Brandon died, but, you know, that was, or will be 11 years ago. Apart from the complicated bereavement stuff, this time of year has been bearable for several years or so I thought. But what I think varies so much from day to day, moment to moment, and Jenna really isn’t any help with this, she simply says it is what must be right now. But it is making me a little more up and down than I am comfortable with. Anything, and I mean anything, can not only bring tears to my eyes, but streaming down my checks, I am practically afraid to turn the television on lately. But last night she had me watch a Jennifer Garner movie, now I like Jennifer Garner, I never watched her television series, but I have enjoyed her in a couple movies, one of them the girl version of Big – like the Tom Hanks movie, I even like the comic book one she did with Ben Affleck, but this one last night just really got to me for some reason. It was Catch and Release, one version of, or another, I have been playing all my life. But it isn’t as simple as tears, it is more than that, and I’m not sure what. Or why. One moment I feel like I have answers, the next I feel like I don’t even know what the questions are. So jenna sings me: Witness
take me out
out of darkness
out of doubt
I won’t weigh you down
with good intention
won’t make fire out of clay
or other inventions
like we do down here
will the change come
while we’re waiting
soul searching
as we carried the weight
and died for a cause
is misery
made beautiful
right before our eyes
will mercy be revealed
or blind us where we stand
like we do down here
will the change come while we’re waiting
everyone is waiting
Then has me turn on my radio in the car where Afterglow is playing and I hear: Answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can’t look down
If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
And I wonder just what is going on within? I know it is caught up in the son who is gone, worry about the son who is not, worry about my mother and worry about Cisco. I wonder sometimes if I can find a way to cast me gently into morning, for as gawd’s own truth, the nights of late have been most unkind. Ah well, there’s no where to go but up, right? Right? Please say right. much love, :^) gene
If today brings even one choice your way
choose to be a bringer of the light :^) gene
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