Jenna - A Voice From the Light

I want you to meet someone very important in my life, my other half, my inner guide, Jenna.    She is as real as I am. She is separate and she is not. It is very strange, I know. As I said I grew up on a farm. The only introvert in a family of extroverts. I hated the farm. But I loved the woods. I spent my childhood hiding from my family with books out in those woods. I always "knew" I was safe there, I haven't really been afraid, in that way, since the light shaft experience, I've just "known" there was more, and that I was safe.  So, I've had this voice in my head as long as I can remember. It was not always distinctly a voice though, more a presence I sensed to begin with.  But I KNEW this presence was FOR me not against me, and I was scared of everything else as a kid, but never this.  Never this.  I'd go walking, looking or a place to sit and read.  I'd walk till I heard, here.  Very softly.  So I'd sit there and read.  I always KNEW when to go home though I never had a watch. She told me. Time, very softly. I'd get messages. Stop that. Don't go that way. Be careful here.  Thoughts, ideas, books, events were placed in front or me through myriad instances and ways. Things like that. I was "urged" in certain directions.  There was this pine swamp that was part of our pasture, it was boggy land and there were few paths into it, I loved it, even in the dead of winter, the trees were so dense the wind couldn't reach me, the ground so covered with pine needles that it never froze solid, she led me on those paths, to quiet places I could sit and read, paths no one else could find, and I know that because my brother and sister tried, giggle.  The only times they ever made it through that swamp was when I led them.  It was so dense that I could be a few feet in front of them, step off the trail, and be invisible to them completely.  Yeah, I did that once in a while.  Older brothers, you know?  

She has protected me from harm all my life.  I am not kidding.  I should be dead.  Literally a hundred or more times.  I took more chances, did more ridiculous things, than any ten kids you knew.  As I grew up though, my own drama, the teenage years,  overtook my inner voice.  Still there, still protecting me, I still knew it but I didn't listen for the voice anymore and I didn't really hear it for a long time.  As I got into my 20's and 30's I lived life.  All of it, not always safely, not always wisely. The voice became more active but still sort of amorphous? I would talk to myself inside. Pose questions, answer them. Sometimes the answers astounded me. I didn't know those things. I didn't talk that way, phrase things that way.  Didn't know some of the words in the "sense" that she used them.  But I didn't know she wasn't me, nor that she was she.  

Then I had the summer from hell in 1996, as you've read in the earlier stories.  That spiritual yearning had started in me before I went to see Billy Graham as I had been "feeling" a VERY strong urge to return to the spirit, I'd been out of the church for 18 years and I was no longer "content" with what I was doing.  But church, what I grew up just didn't feel right to me anymore, though I had nothing else to turn to then.  I was so restless, anxious, and afraid inside.   That, tremendous internal conflict, yearning, I learned later, was her preparing me for a MAJOR shift in our relationship.   NOW I know this, then I did not.  It had NEVER occurred to me to even try to talk to the voice inside.  I was never sure as a kid it wasn't just me, mostly I thought it was just me.  But the presence,  the sense that I wasn't ever really alone, THAT, I KNEW was different.

So, in the fall of 1996, a few months before Brandon died, I was in a very low place.  One night out on a walk, thinking, talking to myself and angry with God, I kept hearing these soft reasonable responses within me and I got REALLY annoyed, I was NOT feeling reasonable, I was not feeling fairly treated, I was feeling lost.  So I screamed at the voice in my head.  WHO ARE YOU?  And got back an answer immediately, soft as a breath, loud as a train.  Jenna.  I said, Jenna?  Yes.  And off we went.  I asked her why she had never told me this before.  She said because you never asked.  Which was true, why would I?  We are taught from birth that we need intercessors to speak to our creator, that we are not worthy to speak directly to our creator but need others to do that for us.  It turns out that she had been there all along but could not come to me AS her until my veil had lifted enough for me to be able to call her out.  That simple.  And that complex.  Since then, we have talked nonstop almost.  She is funny, sweet, loving, reasonable, just everything I am not, giggle.  And she is my other half yet she is not, she is me completely and she is not.  The 313 in my names represents us.  3 me  1 WE   3 Jenna -  each of us is complete as we are but we are also one.  Crazy, I told you.  But literal truth.  She is also the reason I am now 101, she told me once we were complete, following the Awakening, to change my address name to 101, 1 me, 0 completion, 1 Jenna.  

She sings to me often.  Most mornings I wake with a song, always different, running through my mind, always perfect, always appropriate, often very sweet.  The very first time she did that I was sitting in my pastors study with my ex, they were selecting songs for Brandon's service.  I was numb and couldn't think of even one I  wanted to hear.  Then she sang so gently within me,  "I saw you looking down on me from Heaven".  Do you know that one?  Mariah Carey and Boyz to Men.   I told the pastor I wanted to play a song from a tape I didn't have. They both looked at me like I was crazy, but he said okay, let me  hear it first though please.  I went out and bought it, gave it to him, got a call a bit later in which he said simply, play it.  We did.  It was perfect.  Just perfect.  And I can't even think of it yet without crying.  And I have never been able to listen to it again without tears.  Since then she comes to me with lines from songs I don't even know and songs I haven't heard since my childhood.  Original melody, words, and her voice.  Soft as an angels breath.  But always crystal clear.   She used to NEVER come to me without being asked.  Now she pops in whenever she feels like it, with my full consent and permission .  And that is often.  comments.  Jokes, for pete's sake.  I'm not the funny one.  She is.  The funny stuff I say sometimes is HER, not me.  I have no sense of humor on my own.  She just said "liar", and is chuckling out loud.  She is a completely different personality.  Not me.  I am so unlike her.
Years ago, she led me to a website, I used to get a newsletter from them but I canceled it a long time ago, it was all about channeling, and I just am not that, no one channels anything, I'm sorry, but themselves, or the part of them that is still "home".  Anyway, the reason she led me there, was to find a story, I mean she took me right to it, a series of clicks that led me to a description of a meadow, she showed me a picture of us there, she sitting on the ground, in this beautiful purple, she always says lavender, but I'm guy and that is purple to me - it is the color of that index section once you've clicked a link, giggle, gown, with her hair all piled up on top of her head, I am lying with my head in her lap, sleeping, dreaming this life.  When we first met "formally" we talked a lot about twin flames, the way she gave me to understand that is that when we are "home", where we come from, which IS the place we call heaven, we are complete in one being, when we come here, to have this experience of life in the physical realm, we separate into gender.  One of us stays home and holds the other in his/her consciousness, keeps us safe while we dream this life.  She acts as my guide, not my director, I create this life, she is with me through my creation, she offers advice, she smooths my path, she does not control it, were she to do that, this would be her experience, not mine.  It would be what some religions call preordained.  It would not be a creation of mine, but following a script as in a play, and we come here with free choice as to how we live our lives, there is no script.  And most of us never know we have a guide.  It is not their role to intervene in our dream, but to support us in it, whatever we choose to experience, they support.  There is no judgment in that, only support.  Some of us are here to show others what we are not.  We'll talk more about this when we talk in more depth about CWG, but in this relative universe, nothing exists without its opposite, we know what cold is because we know what hot is.  We know what love is because we know what fear is.  We know we are not murderers and thieves, because we know what murderers and thieves are.  There is no judgment in this, none of this is bad or good, from our perspective at home, it just IS.  In a sense we define, each of us, here, who and what we are, by knowing, discovering, sometimes re-membering who and what we are and are not.  

We have an agreement she and I, made before I came here, she stays in the moment with me, she does not get ahead of me, she is not my "seer'.  So half the time my questions get answered with, you have to work that out yourself, my love, I promised you.  And she will NOT break that promise.  Which  annoys me to no end sometimes but I understand it and accept it, I have no choice there.  Still she has led me step by step through my life to this moment.   Every experience in my life has led me to this moment, to the person I am today.  Not one of them was scripted, but all of them were necessary.  She places opportunities in my path, not plans, but opportunities for me to make choices, to remember things from home, things I've forgotten here, behind the veil we all wear.  We come with that veil intact, because if we didn't, we could not have this experience.  If we "knew" the truth of us completely, we'd be actors on a stage, not spirits living a completely opposite experience to what we have, are, at home.  I've had difficulty with her over the years with this issue, because I cannot bear the idea, that, for instance, Brandon came here to do what he did, so that I would understand what a parent losing a child feels like and then Evan having a horrible car accident from in April 2009 from which he never did fully recover only to die in his sleep in October 2010.  She tells me it is NOT like that, but that even though there is no script, the events and conditions of our lives create the people we become, establish the values we hold dear and the ideas we bring forth.  What she has persuaded me of is that there really is no script.  This life could not be my creation if there were.  Even the parts of this creation I don't like teach me, help me remember the truth of me, because by that which I judge "wrong" I establish for myself that which I judge "right" and wish to experience more of, share more of, see more of in this world, BE more of in this experience.  

I had such trouble with this concept in the beginning, I had such trouble believing in her, trust has always been, IS, still one of my issues, but this is where it has become easy for me to accept her as not me.  She speaks very differently than I do.  Her voice is female.  SHE is VERY female.  I am not in any way, never have been.  She orders her words differently.  She puts twists on things I have always thought in ways that I have NEVER thought of.  She says things I do not know.  And she is never wrong.   Never.  The ONLY time I ever get in trouble is when I ignore what she tells me.  Far too often I do that, still. 

The thing I need to make crystal clear is EVERYONE has Jen in them.  Only not Jen.  Yours.  Way back in 1998, I met a blind woman on another list at Spiritweb who has had the EXACT same life experience with this that I do?  I was just floored.  I thought I was the only one until that moment.  I leaped for joy when I read her note.  I was so pumped.  Such joy inside.  Her partner is named Christopher.  And she "saw" him the way I do Jen.   My Jenna is my closest constant companion.  She is never not with  me.   She never hides from me - though I do from her sometimes.  She never runs away.  She has NEVER raised her voice to me.  She is ALWAYS gentle and loving in everything she says, and in those little song lyrics she sings to me.  She IS perfect love.  And she is me.   First, 313.  Now, 101.  Us.  

Now there are people out there who would say this is schizophrenia, giggle.  And I might agree with them, but this voice never tells me anyone is out to get me, never tells me to harm anyone, in fact, when something I am about to do or say could do that, SHE is the one who whispers, gene, please don't, within me, and then tells me why.  I only get in deeper when I don't listen.  And I am headstrong, we'll talk about that a bit in the section on ANSIR.  Jenna is the sane one, I'm the one living the crazy human life, lol.  But it is ever so much better with her in it.  

I finally got up the nerve in June that year, 1998, to tell the list about her.  I was afraid they'd all think I was crazy.  The schizophrenia I mentioned in the preceding paragraph, but surprisingly, no one questioned me, no one doubted her, or me.  I was advised that others had guides too, and that the way to tell if your own was "good" was to ask a question, because they could not lie about anything if they were truly from the light.  It was a simple question, "are you from the light", well, I immediately asked that of her, and her response was, and has always been, "I AM the light".  Which ended my worries about the dark side completely.  Though in truth until that question was given me it had never occurred to me she might be somehow "evil".  There has never been anything dark about her, she has never been anything but love within me.  She has never said anything within me that was not loving, never given me a mean thing to say to another, never been anything but love.  I wish I were half as loving as is she.  For me, to me, she IS the light, but not just the light, she is the light we ALL are at home, and in our best moments here.  

I want to tell you a story about her, from our early years.  It isn't one of my proudest moments, but it illustrates how different we are, and how important she is to me.   In the summer of 1998, when I was so active on the CWG list at Spiritweb, there, after we'd been there several months together, were a group of people who wanted to see what we each looked like, wanted pictures, the conversation about that had begun in April, perhaps, and in the early summer one of the guys on the list, put up a website where people could do that.  A number of people did, but I resisted, I'm not what once was, and I wasn't then either, and I didn't have a current picture and I sort of though that putting up a picture took that whole experience out of the realm of the "ether" and into the realm of the "real" and I was only learning that I could express what was in me freely there, it was WHY I was brought to that list, and I feared that if I put a picture, it would become real, just like any other group, and I'd lose interest, they'd lose interest, it would lose its specialness to me.  So, I got pestered, by some, not all, many defended my refusal to do that, but in early August, I had an idea, and I suddenly wanted to show them my sons, who I had written so much about over the months, so I decided I would post pictures of them, one each as a six year old and then the young men they had  become.  I don't know why but I felt this sudden sense of urgency about this, what I didn't know was that I was preparing to leave the list.  It took me a long tearful time sitting looking at those pictures of my sweet boys to pick out the ones I wanted to share.  I took those pictures, and one of mine, my high school graduation picture - which in truth is STILL how I see me within, and was my way of getting even with them for making me post one at all, to Proex to have them put on a disk to send to my friend, who hosted the pictures site.  I only had one of Brandon as a young man and when I took those in, I told them he was gone and that was the only one I had and they had to be VERY careful with it, because it was not replaceable, I got teary explaining that.  They were very nice young people and promised me they'd take wonderful care of it for me. The day they were supposed to be ready, I just seemed to have a hell of a time getting out of the house, I couldn't find my car keys (I am absolutely notorious for losing keys) and I got mad because I was afraid I was going to be too late to pick them up and wouldn't have time to get them in the mail that day.  Again I did not understand the sense of urgency I felt, but it was SO strong, so I was sort of storming around and as I got in the car and was driving to the mall, I actually yelled out loud at Jenna for not "greasing the way" and making things go smoothly so I would have had more time and I yelled "I don't LIKE being treated this way, Jenna", and she came back so softly, "is this then how you wish to treat me?"  Took my breath away, I had never thought of that.  I apologized, calmed down and realized that it was  my own fear holding me back, I was afraid of looking at those pictures again.

I got to the mall, went in and got them and as I feared about broke down as I looked at them while walking backing out to my car.  As I got back to my car, a light gentle rain began falling.  As I looked through my own tears at this warm soft rain it seemed, it felt,  as if God was crying too, and she said so softly, "he was my child too, Gene, and I loved him even as do you".  Which made me cry even more.  But do you see why I love her so?  Why I trust her?  This disembodied voice  within me is my rock, and my love, and in a very strange way, ME.  I don't pretend to understand all this, I just relate it, still working on grasping all the implications and, frankly, some of the stuff she  tells me seems so far-fetched, so removed from my experience that it is nearly impossible for me to believe, until it happens and she is  again proved right.  You'd think I'd learn not to doubt her, but I don't  seem to, lol.  There's more of her to come, both in the blog, and in the next story in the index.  So, let's go there now.  :^)