Conversations With God
In
this section, I am going to tell you about two books, one of which, I
believe, literally saved my life. Both of them have had enormous
influence in my life and I'll be talking about one or the other in my
blog, often a post will start with a quote
from one of those two books upon which I will comment, share what is in
me about it. They are Conversations With God, books 1 and 2, by Neale Donald Walsch.
What I want to tell you about here, is how I came to them, or more truthfully, how they came to me. I
had become a member of that church I found across the street from my health club, the
one with the outdoors service, in September, 1996, a couple
weeks after Brandon had come home. I didn't feel "home" there,
but I really liked the head pastor, felt a connection with him and felt
it was the right place for me to be at that time. When
Brandon died, for several months I had been reading this book, in
an effort still to quell my anxiety, over and over, by a Roman
Catholic theologian, Andrew Hodges, called Jesus: An Interview
Across Time, where he
asked questions and had Jesus answer them in modern terms. Still
very
much fear-based, like most religions, but nicer than what I was raised
with, in some ways.
And my re-reading it was my way of trying to find spiritual peace
within.
But when Brandon died, I could find NO comfort in that book any longer,
no comfort in
anything I had ever been taught or had read. Two weeks to the day
after Brandon died, I was back
at work, and I honestly don't think I was more than a couple weeks away
from joining him myself, I was so lifeless inside, so bereft, so
distraught. That day,
2/25/97, I went to this little bookstore a block from my work in
downtown Minneapolis. It was arranged in kiosk's sort of, a set
of four
down each side of it, with a pathway in the middle, the kiosks
were like
< >, with each of those inner tines being bookshelves. As I
went
into the store, I said a little prayer asking Jesus to help me, that if
there
was
anything in there that could give me comfort, to please show it to me.
So I walked down that center aisle, and I just felt moved, almost
directed, and I turned into one of those kiosks, one I had never been
in,
it was New Age. As I walked into it, on the shelves directly
opposite
me one book was turned sideways right at my eye level.
Conversations
With God, Book 1. Well, I thought to myself, THAT is exactly who
I want to talk to, I want God to TELL me what the hell happened,
why it happened. So I just took the book, paid for it and
took it home with
me. I went down into the basement of my townhouse, where Brandon
and I had spent so much time and I started reading it and after a few
pages I
was just incensed! It was pure blasphemy, honestly, I half
expected I might get hit by a
lightning bolt right down there. I left it on the table down
there and I went upstairs but I just couldn't keep my
thoughts away from it. So I decided, okay, I WILL read it,
but just to
find out what the enemies of God were thinking. So I could be a
better Christian. But as I read it, I discovered the Truth.
I could have written that book. The thoughts and ideas in
it were not new to me. They were as familiar to me as if I had
known them forever. And, in a way, I have. Neale gave
credit in the prologue to a number of authors, people whose work had
influenced his life, I'd read most of those, some were among my
favorites, and whose works had formed the core of my own inner view of
the world. This wasn't blasphemy at all, it was the God I always
knew was out there. One who loved and loved alone,
unconditionally, all the time. We're going to talk about those
concepts in the blog quite a bit. But right here and now, I urge
each of you, to head right on over to Amazon, Barnes and Noble online,
or your own local bookstore, buy them and read them. You'll find
your own truth there. Or you wouldn't be here now.
I need to give you a little more history here, just for
background. I was raised Lutheran, as I said
earlier, growing up
on a farm in the
middle of Minnesota, the middle of nowhere really. I'm the oldest
of three kids and there is no one else in my
family like
me at all. They're wonderful people, salt of the earth, kind, loving
people, but not like me, though I am all those things too. I am
completely of Swedish heritage on both sides of my family. My dad
missed
being born in Sweden by months, my mothers family came here a couple
generations before she was born but both her parents were second
generation,
born in this country,
Swedes. My dad was raised in the Red River Valley about as far
north as
you can get and still be in Minnesota, literally a few miles from
Canada. My mom and dad met in Minneapolis, after WWII, two farm
kids looking
for a
new life and finding it in each other. As I said earlier, the
farm I grew up on adjoined
my maternal grandparent's farm, so I saw them virtually every day of my
life till I went in the Army, they were wonderful people, my refuge
when I was angry with my parents, they enjoyed a loving marriage of 66
years before my grandma passed. Lutheran's all of them, lol.
My mom's
family literally built the small church I was baptized and went to
Sunday School in. They were part of the founding group of that church,
Siloa Lutheran. Their original
business, besides farming, was operating a saw mill and they cut the
lumber and built the church. My grandma and mom both were Sunday
School
teachers and my first book was a full-sized
children's bible, ALL of the stories there, but in kid language and
with pictures.
I grew up steeped in the Lutheran religion. I really did
not know other traditions existed. I mean, I knew
about
CATHOLICS of course. Heathens like that, lol, but only
peripherally to my own experience. And I knew about yoga
- but I thought that was just an exercise routine and it was literally
all I knew about Eastern traditions. Sheltered? Yes, I
guess, in a way, there were no minorities in my world, just
Scandinavian farmers and townspeople. But there are no
coincidences in this life either, and where, and how I was raised, is
exactly how it needed to be. We'll talk more about that later
too.
So any understanding or knowledge of alternative forms of
religion, let alone spirituality, had never even crossed my mind.
That there
WERE alternatives to what I was raised with had just never occurred to
me. Not until an alternative had to find its way to me, when after my
son's death, I could find no
peace in anything I knew or had known. I wasn't a religious
"freak" either, I rarely attended church, I had most of my life
wandered in and
out of religion, because I just couldn't "buy" it, I just couldn't
reconcile all that blood and gore and thou shalt nots with the loving
God, ministers talked about on Sunday mornings, who really did love us
but only if we were "good". It wasn't easy
to avoid religion with my family growing up, believe me, but I was the
kid who asked the annoying
questions. I have always been spiritual, I never really had a choice about that, the lightsA quester, always. Not unlike Jodie Foster's
character in
Contact. I wanted to know things too, like if there was only
Adam, Eve,
Cain and Abel in existence, when Cain killed Abel, how did he get
exiled with his wife? I
mean where the hey did SHE come from. So, you can see why I had
trouble all my life buying that
whole spiel. But fear keeps you believing, sort of, just in case
that
crap is true. But, of course, every religion makes that part of
its
pitch. THEY have the truth and no one else does and if you don't
buy
it, you go to hell. Fear-based living isn't really living at all.
I'd
leave the church for years, but I always came back when some
crisis would hit, like my divorce, like the fear that gripped me so
tightly in 1996, like Brandon's death. It wasn't that I was an
atheist or anything, I have always believed there
was more to the universe than an accident. There is too much
organization in the natural universe for it to be an accident. I
knew
something created it, I've always "known" that, I just didn't know
what. And I never could make myself believe that a God who
could
create such beauty and such love in a place like this wonderful,
teeming with life, planet He gave us to live on, could be so
cold-hearted and small as the Old Testament made Him seem. How
could a loving being instruct one people to take the land of another
people and kill them all, every man, woman and child? How could
He love His children but cast them into eternal torment if they didn't
follow His every directive to the letter? I just
could NOT buy all that. We'll talk about that a LOT in
the blog,
trust me.
When Brandon died, I turned off my home phone. I didn't really talk to
anyone but work people and my son Evan for a year. I sat there at home
in the dark, reading and re-reading Book 1. In May that year, Book 2
came out, I bought it the day it arrived at Barnes and Noble, and
started alternating it with Book 1. I read book 1 more than 20 times
that next year, book 2 more than a dozen times. In January 1998, I was finally ready to rejoin the world at large.
I
got my phone turned back on, went online and looked for people who knew
about CWG. I was an AOL person back then, dial up.
So I
started
looking there. I found a discussion group, joined them, made
an
introductory post and got back in return this huge mail with a big list
of rules. Now, I have never been very good with rules. I
have
always had
this idea that I make my own rules - you'll find out a lot more about
that side of me in the ANSIR story. I pay attention to those the
world
at large makes only when it suits my purposes or when not doing so will
cause me more trouble than I want to deal with. :^). That
entire list was full of
"thou
shalt NOT" stuff. You could only talk about the books, no
personal stuff, no
life experiences, nothing else. Too many rules, it felt
unfriendly, and the CWG books are nothing if not friendly. So I
unsubscribed immediately. But, my intro post got
noticed by a
wonderful woman who was starting her own list at place called Spiritweb
and she sent
me an email inviting me to join them. I did. The only rule there
was be
nice.
That list talked about everything, the books, of course, but the books
are about life, so all of life was open for discussion, and we talked
it about it all.
It was a wonderful place. I said things there I never dared
say aloud.
It was years before I ever said any of those things to anyone in
person. I learned so much there. I remembered so much.
There were about 500 people on the
list but most were what we called "lurkers", reading but never posting.
Which was perfectly okay, as I said elsewhere I'd get a letter once in a while from someone who didn't post but felt what I had said helped, or touched them in some way. We had probably 100 or more
people who
actively posted. About then, a year, after Brandon's death, I
lost the ability to sleep. I would fall asleep like always but
wake after three or four hours, so I was a prolific participant on that
list. Bet no one reading this far would have
suspected THAT huh? :^). I talked about a lot, Brandon, my other
son, Evan, life,
growing
up, single parenting, living life. We were really one big
family there. We became so close. Truthfully, they were
closer to me than anyone
in
the "real" world. I told them things I never dared tell anyone.
They
freed my soul. The books freed my soul. Neale's
conversations freed my
soul.
I began posting there in February that year, I met a lot of wonderful
people, there were people from all around the world there, from
virtually every religious, non-religious, and spiritual tradition. What we all had in
common was the powerful effect in our lives that Neale Donald Walsch
and his two marvelous books had on us. We shared our lives, our
pasts, our present and we shared our experiences of the books.
We talked about them in every way, from what we loved to what we
didn't, to what we agreed with and why, to what we didn't and why.
It was a wonderful, healing time for me. It was June before
I dared tell them about my inner voice, she who I am going to introduce
you to in the next story. It was later that summer, August, when
I posted about the three light experiences. I hoped to find
someone else who had them, I wanted to talk to anyone who had
experienced them too. No one there had, nor had anyone heard of
them. I've
been looking a very long time and have not yet found anyone who has had
them too. I talked about them a lot with my friends on the Spiritweb list.
I'm going to talk a lot more about Books 1 and 2 on the blog section.
And I may yet write another story or two here about them.
For now, though, what I want to say, is that they are the most
marvelous presentation of the spirit, the TRUTH, of God, that I have
ever seen.
I have read widely since those days and have yet to find anything
remotely approaching the truth and wisdom in those two books. I
guess I AM going to have to add a story here about them specifically.
This story is really just about how I found them, more
accurately, how THEY found
me. What they say, what they mean, the truth they are, I may want
to
put in a section of its own, eventually. Before I go any further
though, there is
someone I want you all to meet. She's the subject of this next
story. I introduced her to the Spiritweb list in June, 1998.
Then, after that story, I'm going to introduce you to a tool, a
free tool,
for anyone, and everyone, which no longer exists but which I wish were still available tol give you a way to know yourself
better than you ever
imagined possible. I believe that it is only when we fully
understand ourselves,
that we can begin to understand others, and understanding others is the
key to loving them. And that is why we are all here, to love each
other.
Then, I'm going to tell you a story about East meets West, and by that
I meet Eastern tradition slams itself into Western farm boy without
warning. It is fair to say, that every event in my most ordinary
life, every extraordinary event, has led me to this place and this
time. Here to meet and talk with anyone led to find me here.
I have a lot to say. I hope you will stay for a while and
talk with me. I think we have gifts for each other. What
precisely those are, we'll discover along the way. So, now, let's
talk about this wonder named Jenna.